


The Words for Me

by Spotted_Newt



Series: Words [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Obi-Wan Kenobi, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26806267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spotted_Newt/pseuds/Spotted_Newt
Summary: A short oneshot of Obi-Wan's journey of discovering he is asexual, featuring some of the common feelings and reactions ace folks deal with on that journey. Excitement, uncertainty, disbelief, doubt, acceptance, and others.Just doing my part to add to the ace obi-wan tag, because we need more ace representation in fanfics and canon alike.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & Obi-Wan Kenobi, CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Words [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986325
Comments: 29
Kudos: 160





	The Words for Me

The thing about an absence that has always existed is that you don’t know it’s an absence. You don’t even think about it. It’s just the way things are. And you might never notice that anything is missing (because really, what are you missing?) until someone points it out. 

Obi-Wan grew up with Quinlan Vos. He was  _ well _ aware of what sex was. He joked around with his friends. But that’s all he thought it was, really. Some overblown joke, with Vos being the, ahem,  _ excitable _ exception. 

It wasn’t until he was around 19 standard that he began to realize that it wasn’t a big joke. Sexual attraction was an actual thing. People looked at other people and thought  _ inappropriate _ things on a regular basis. 

What a baffling concept.

Sexual attraction was a real thing that most people experienced. And that realization led Obi-Wan to another- that he  _ didn’t _ experience it. Yes, he had had crushes, yes he found people attractive, but not like  _ that _ . He had never once looked at another being and thought about what he’d like to do in bed. Frankly, he wasn’t even too keen on the idea of kissing. It was  _ highly _ unsanitary. 

What did that mean?

The more he thought about it, the more he noticed other people’s abundance of attraction. And the more he noticed their abundance, the starker the contrast became. 

It wasn’t long before the inevitable thought made its way into his mind, stirring up layers of self-doubt:  _ Is there something wrong with me? _

And as that thought took root, the insecurity and self-consciousness set it. He was  _ different _ . He was  _ weird _ . He had always felt different, but this was a whole new level. And he didn’t know what to do. 

Kriff, he didn’t even have a word to describe himself. He knew what words like straight and gay and bi meant. But every word seemed to describe the specifics of a person’s attraction. None of them described a lack thereof. 

Obi-Wan had always considered himself bisexual. He found himself drawn to men and women alike, though his most serious crushes had historically been on women. But bisexual meant sexual attraction, which Obi-Wan did not experience, so was he allowed to use that label anymore? Did he want to? Wasn’t it lying, in a way, to call himself “bisexual” when the “sexual” part didn’t apply to him?

It drove him nuts. 

And then, one day, he was on a diplomatic mission with his Master and he ended up befriending the planet’s princess. A few days into their stay he went for a walk with her through the royal gardens. Obi-Wan plucked a small flower from a nearby bush and presented it to her with a dramatic, flirty flourish. “M’lady.”

She laughed and took it from him, tucking it behind her ear. “It’s lovely, thank you.”

“It pales in comparison to yourself, your highness.” 

“Flatterer,” she said, but she was smiling. 

They continued on like that, and about an hour into their walk they paused by a pond to watch the fish. 

“I have a question,” she said suddenly, and Obi-Wan looked up, because there was something slightly serious in her tone that hadn’t been there a second ago. 

“What is it, m’lady?”

“Are you flirting with me?”

He blinked at the blunt question. 

“It’s fine if you are, it doesn’t bother me, it’s actually quite fun, but I just thought you should know that I am aromantic. I’m afraid nothing serious will come of it.”

Obi-Wan tilted his head at the strange word. “Aromantic? What does that mean?”

“I don’t experience romantic attraction,” she said cheerfully. 

The Padawan mulled that over. Later that evening, he took out his datapad and searched the term on the holo-net, wanting to learn more about it but not feeling comfortable having an in-depth conversation with a woman he had only known for a week. 

He learned that romantic attraction and sexual attraction were two different things, which was quite the revelation. As he read more, he came across another term. 

Asexual. 

His eyes widened as he read the definition, and then found forums of people discussing their experiences, and excitement bubbled up in his chest. 

He’d found his word. He was asexual. Biromantic asexual, to be exact, and by the Force it felt so good to have  _ words _ . 

The next day was his last on the planet, and so he went on one last garden walk with the princess. “I searched the term aromantic on the holo-net last night,” he commented as they once again came to the fish pond and tossed in bits of cracker. 

“Oh yeah?” 

“I hadn’t realized that romantic attraction and sexual attraction were different.”

She smiled at him. “Not a lot of folks do. For most people, the two align, and they never have to think about the difference.”

Obi-Wan hummed. “Well, I also found terms to describe myself. I’m biromantic asexual.” That excited feeling was in his chest again, and saying the words out loud felt so good, even if he did feel a little nervous and awkward having this conversation. 

She beamed at him. “That’s great, Obi-Wan! It’s nice to have terms to describe yourself. I’m glad you found some.”

Her positive reaction washed away his nerves, and Obi-Wan found himself grinning too. 

He returned to Coruscant still high on his discovery, and he hurried to share it with his friends. Quinlan happened to be the first person he got to spend time with. They went to one of the training salles to spar. 

“You’re in weirdly high spirits,” the Kiffar padawan commented as they ducked and danced around one another’s lightsabers.

“I made a discovery on my latest mission,” Obi-Wan said, blocking a strike from the left. 

“Oh yeah? Must have been pretty big to get you glowing like this.” Quinlan pulled back his blade and swept high. “Hm, did you finally discover how sweet a woman tastes?”

Obi-Wan blushed at that comment and the mental image that accompanied it, but luckily his face was already red from exertion. “No, I discovered the words for my sexuality. I’m asexual.”

Quinlan actually froze at that, and Obi-Wan had to pull back his swing to avoid giving his friend a nasty burn. Then, the kiffar burst out laughing. 

“Obi-Wan, there’s no such thing as asexual,” he said. 

Obi-Wan’s heart dropped to his feet. “But-”

“You’re just confused, my friend.” Quin gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “Everyone likes sex. You just have to figure out which  _ parts _ you prefer.”

“But I  _ don’t _ ,” Obi-Wan insisted, “I’m not interested in either of them.”

“You’ve never  _ tried _ either of them. How can you know you don’t like them if you don’t try them?”

Obi-Wan was at a loss. All of his earlier excitement was gone, replaced by doubt and shame. 

Quinlan gave him another pat. “Don’t worry, Obi. You’ll figure it out. Want to go get some lunch?”

“Um, actually Qui-Gon wanted me back at our quarters for lunch,” he lied. 

“Aw, too bad. Well, see you later then.”

Obi-Wan didn’t tell anyone else after that. Was Quinlan right? He hadn’t tried anything. But that was because he didn’t feel the need to. Which was the whole point of the ace thing, that he didn’t feel the attraction in the first place. 

Still, the rejection, the blatant disbelief, left Obi-Wan feeling almost worse than he had before learning the word asexual. Because now he knew that it was a problem. That people didn’t think it was real. That sexual attraction was such a big part of society that to not experience it was laughable. 

Obi-Wan wrestled with this new layer of insecurity for a year before the topic of asexuality came up again. During that time he started keeping a journal, writing down his thoughts and worries and fears. How he often wondered if maybe this was all a figment of his imagination. How he wondered if he could really consider himself asexual when he still maybe liked the idea of sex, and maybe wouldn’t mind doing it if his partner really wanted to. How he worried that he might never find a partner who would understand and be ok with him being the way he was. 

A rare evening came when Obi-Wan and all his friends were at the temple at the same time, and they jumped on the chance to hang out as a group. They decided on a movie night, and ended up watching some kind of holo-drama. At one point the characters got intimate, and Obi-Wan politely averted his eyes. He wasn’t totally repulsed by sex, but he certainly didn’t need to watch it on screen. 

When the movie ended, Quinlan and Garen started talking about their  _ adventures _ , and Bant asked Obi-Wan if he wanted to go for a walk in the Temple gardens.

“I wish we wouldn’t watch movies like that,” Bant said after they had spent a good thirty minutes lying in the grass in comfortable silence. 

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t mind the dramas, but really, they could do without the sex scenes. They’re just- ick.”

“I don’t really like them either,” Obi-Wan admitted.

Bant turned her head to look at him, something like relief or curiosity or both in her eyes. “Really? I thought I was the only one. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I thought you all liked that stuff.”

Obi-Wan snorted. “Bant, I can tell you I have absolutely no interest in watching people  _ kriff _ on screen.”

She laughed. “Thank Force. I thought I was just weird.”

“If anyone’s weird, it’s Quin.”

“Yeah, but Quin’s weird in every way.”

The word ‘asexual’ never came up in that conversation, but Obi-Wan felt a little bit better knowing that at least he wasn’t completely alone. 

  
  
  


Many years passed, and Obi-Wan found himself with the rank of General in the GAR. He found himself with hundreds of troopers to protect, and though they insisted they were supposed to protect  _ him _ he felt it was his duty to keep them safe. He cared about each and every one of them. 

One perhaps a bit more than the others. 

Commander Cody was smart, capable, and caring. Obi-Wan watched the way he took care of his  _ vode _ , watched the pride in his eyes when one of them got promoted, watched the sorrow when one of them fell in battle. Watched the way Cody could be both strict and gentle as the situation needed, giving sharp orders on the field in one moment and then in the next speaking gently in  _ mando’a _ when someone was having a breakdown in the mess hall. He had strong morals. He was loyal and trustworthy. 

In sum, Commander Cody was  _ perfect _ . 

Obi-Wan knew Cody was drawn to him too. He could feel it when the Commander stood just a bit closer than was strictly necessary. Could see the look in his eye when he felt like Obi-Wan wasn’t taking good enough care of himself. The protectiveness, the admiration, the caring, the warm affection. And of course, he could sense it in the Force. 

The Jedi didn’t forbid relationships. That was a common misconception. So aside from the issue of a power imbalance (one which was resolved when Cody was made Marshall Commander, placing him at rank or perhaps even above that of the Generals) there wasn’t really any reason why the two men couldn’t be together. 

And yet Obi-Wan refused to make a move. 

He was afraid. Afraid of how Cody would react when he found out Obi-Wan was asexual. Afraid of how Cody would react when he found out how particular Obi-Wan was with what he was comfortable with. 

At some point, they somehow ended up alone in a garden together (why was it always gardens? There must be something disarming about them, because this was the third time something like this had happened) and they ended up confessing their feelings a bit. They each stumbled over their words, unsure what to say and equally inexperienced in talking about these things, but when they had something resembling a confession they each seemed to sigh in relief. They didn’t know what to do about those confessions, but at least they were on the same page, kind of. 

A month later found them with a couple of days of shore leave on Alderaan, and the two of them decided to try a little bit of the relationship thing. They went on a date, though they didn’t quite call it that. Not a sit-down dinner or anything of the sort, but they did get gelato and walk around and enjoy the beautiful planet. 

Evening found them sitting side by side on a grassy hill overlooking the city, hands clasped together. The sun was just starting to set, catching Obi-Wan’s hair and setting it ablaze in red and gold in exactly the sort of cheesy, cliche way that Cody would expect from a man like Obi-Wan Kenobi. And he loved it. 

“May I kiss you?” Cody asked suddenly. 

Obi-Wan went very still. “Sure,” he said after a moment. 

Cody frowned. “You don’t sound too keen on the idea.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to kiss you,” Obi-Wan hurried to explain, worrying he had hurt Cody’s feelings, “It’s just that, well, I don’t want to kiss  _ anyone _ .”

Cody seemed to consider this. “Ever?”

“Not really, no.”

He braced himself for a negative reaction. Withdrawal, laughter. But Cody just squeezed his hand gently. “That’s ok. We don’t have to. Is there something else that you’d prefer? What about a  _ mirshmure’cya? _ ”

Obi-Wan felt so relieved he could have cried. “I’d like that.”

Cody leaned in halfway, waiting for Obi-Wan to close the gap. He did, pressing his forehead to Cody’s, and they stayed there for a while, eyes closed, just existing together. 

“Obi-Wan?”

“Hmm?”

“I want you to know that I’ll never push you to do anything you don’t want to,” Cody said softly. He leaned back a bit so he could look Obi-Wan in the eye, hoping the other would see how sincere he was about that.

Obi-Wan looked away, fidgeting with his tunic sleeves. “I don’t know that I can be everything you want.”

“Oh? What do you think I want?”

The Jedi frowned. “Well, for one, most people find kissing enjoyable. Along with other… intimate things.”

“Do you find those things enjoyable?”

“Well, no, not really.”

“Then we won’t do them.”

“But-”

“But nothing,” Cody interrupted, “intimacy is supposed to be enjoyable for  _ both _ parties. I want your honest and enthusiastic consent. Not reluctant agreement because you think I want something. Kissing, sex, they’re supposed to bring two folks together. But if only one of us is having fun, that just pushes us apart. I won’t pretend to be an expert on relationships, kriff, you’re the first person I’ve ever tried to have one with, but I’m pretty sure respecting boundaries is a fundamental part. We can find other ways to be intimate.”

Obi-Wan swallowed. “I’m asexual, Cody. I’m not completely sure where my lines are. I think I might be ok having sex with a serious partner, but I’m not sure. If I never have sex with you, are you sure you can do that? That you will be satisfied without it?”

“I’m positive,” Cody said confidently. “If you ever want to try anything, I’d be happy to. But if you don’t, that’s ok. To be honest, I don’t know where my lines are either. I guess that’s something we’ll have to figure out together.”

Obi-Wan offered a tentative smile. “Together,” he agreed. Cody’s acceptance was more than he had dared to hope for, and he still wasn’t sure he believed the other man would be satisfied (years of doubt and fear can’t be undone in a single evening) but if Cody was willing to try a relationship, so was he. 

In a moment of boldness, Obi-Wan leaned sideways to rest his head on Cody’s shoulder. The other man wrapped his arm around the Jedi, resting his cheek against Obi-Wan’s hair.

“Hello there,  _ Cyare _ ,” Obi-Wan said, because he wasn’t quite ready to say ‘I love you’ but calling Cody ‘beloved’ felt ok.

Obi-Wan felt Cody smile against his hair, felt his happy chuckle that shook his shoulders ever so slightly. “Hello, my love.”


End file.
